The Heisenberg Jocularity Incident
by lyrisca
Summary: Sheldon hurts Penny's feelings, and Leonard thinks Sheldon should probably apologize for being such a socially handicapped jerk.
1. Chapter 1

_For those of you who are following The Natural Selection Examination - Never fear! I haven't given up on that story or anything. I just don't have the time to devote to it right now, and it's a little heavy to work on as a study break. So here's this instead! There will be one more chapter. _

* * *

"For someone who is so goddamned smart, you sure say a lot of stupid things!" Penny screamed at Sheldon before stalking out of the apartment and slamming the door behind her.

Sheldon seethed in his spot. That woman! When she wasn't busy eating his food and taking up space on the couch, she was finding ways to dig under his skin and drive him crazy. Everything she said seemed to be part of an elaborate plot to unhinge his concentration and kick his compulsions into high gear.

"What was that about?" Leonard asked, emerging from his room. "Was that Penny yelling?"

"Yes," Sheldon responded curtly. "I was sitting just as I am now, my attention wholly focused on my manuscript, when she barged into the apartment, sat down right there," he pointed forcefully at the couch cushion next to him, "and switched on the television. When I calmly asked her to turn off the television, she told me to 'loosen up' and proceeded to watch a show that featured those horrendous Kardashian sisters."

"Yeah, so?"

"I'm not finished. Once the television lost its entertainment value, she began to ask me questions. She wanted to hear a good joke. After a moment of consideration, I decided that a joke based upon quantum mechanics would be more her speed than a string theory joke."

Leonard blinked. "Did you. What was the joke?"

"Heisenberg went for a drive and was stopped by a traffic cop. The cop asked, 'Do you know how fast you were going?' Heisenberg replied, 'No, but I know where I am.' " Sheldon inhaled quickly a couple of times in response to his own joke.

"Ha ha. So I'm guessing she didn't get it?"

"Of course not. At this point, I had already wasted ten minutes of my day catering to her short attention span and was out of patience. So, in response to her blank stare, I told her she should find something else to do if my jokes were too intelligent for her. She then called me a 'jerk' and accused me of calling her stupid. I argued that I never said such a thing, although the evidence certainly speaks for itself."

"Ouch," Leonard winced. "Jeez, Sheldon."

"Then she stormed out and you decided to pick up where she left off." Sheldon looked down at his laptop and resumed typing. "I'm busy. Please leave me alone."

"First off," Leonard began, "You're in the living room, which is a shared space that invites social interaction. If you don't want anyone to bother you, hole yourself up in your room and do your work there."

"But I don't do my work in my room," Sheldon said, matter-of-fact. "I do my work in the living room."

"Secondly, you can't just be mean to people like that, especially Penny. She tolerates a lot of crap from you and you probably hurt her feelings by calling her stupid."

"I did not call her stupid!" Sheldon insisted. "And I would contend that I tolerate far more 'crap' from her. She interrupts me constantly, eats my food, steals my milk, makes fun of me, and generally does things that she knows will unnerve me. And when she is not on my Halo team, she makes a concentrated effort to hunt down my character and kill me over and over," he pouted. "She is a thorn in my side and I cannot for the life of me figure out why I humor her so often."

"She also sings Soft Kitty to you when you are sick," Leonard pointed out, "And took you suit shopping once. She drives you to work or to the comic book store when I can't and makes you spaghetti with little hot dogs. You may not have a roommate agreement with her, but she is definitely your best friend, because she puts up with way more of your behavioral quirks than I do." He waved a finger in Sheldon's face. "And you humor her because somewhere deep down, you realize that she's far nicer to you than you deserve."

Sheldon was indignant but did not respond to the statement. "Leonard, please go away."

"Not until you march across the hall and apologize to Penny."

"Why in the world would I do such a thing?" Sheldon was incredulous. "I am certainly not in the wrong."

"You hurt her feelings. Go apologize."

"How do you know that I- why is it even- there are far more important things that I should be doing!"

"You aren't gonna win the Nobel Prize tomorrow, Sheldon. Just do it. If you don't, I will sit here and turn the TV back on and watch Babylon 5 for the rest of the night."

"Oh, fine!" Sheldon finally yielded with a sigh. "But I don't think it will do any good."


	2. Chapter 2

Muttering to himself, Sheldon rapped his knuckles against the door and called Penny's name three times. He found himself hoping that she wouldn't answer so that he could tell Leonard that he tried his best and resume writing his paper. But unfortunately, the door swung open after a short while.

"What do you want?" Penny asked harshly. Her eyes looked puffy, as though she had been crying.

"I came to... apologize," Sheldon said, softening his tone a little. "If I have upset you, I am sorry. It was not my intention."

"Did Leonard put you up to this?" Penny asked.

Something told Sheldon that it was probably in his best interest to dance around the truth in this particular situation. "Leonard... made me realize that my comments may have hurt your feelings. I do not enjoy upsetting my friends. Please accept my apology. I will do my best not to offend you in the future."

"You'll stop calling me stupid?" Penny said, crossing her arms. "Because I'm not stupid. I may not have a fancy degree, but there are a lot of things I know more about than you."

"Such as?"

"Pop culture. Relationships. How to suck up to your boss or make a mean caramel apple martini. You may not think any of those things are important, but I've got news for you: Having a working knowledge of the Universe means that you know a little bit about EVERYTHING, not just the complicated science stuff."

"I only concern myself with things that are relevant to the Universe as a whole. If I am ever able to leave the Earth, it will not be important for me to differentiate between the Kardashian sisters."

"How do you know? TV waves go out into space, right? What if there are aliens out there that are huge fans of the Kardashians? What if Radiohead is the #1 band on the Intergalactic Top 100?" She leaned against the door frame and sighed. "All I'm saying is, it's probably not a good idea to cut yourself off from the stuff that's important to the rest of the world. You have to be able to, you know, relate to people who aren't geniuses every once in a while."

"I communicate just fine with you, and you are not a genius," Sheldon pointed out.

This was clearly the wrong thing to say, because it caused Penny to burst into tears.

"Oh, drat," Sheldon muttered under his breath. "Penny, I was not insinuating that-"

"I know you weren't," she managed to say between sobs. "I'm sorry. I mean, you're still a jerk, don't get me wrong," she sniffled, "but I've just had a really bad day."

"I see," Sheldon said. He suddenly felt very awkward next to his tearful neighbor. "Social conduct dictates that I should ask why you—"

"Just everything!" Penny cried. She tossed herself onto the couch, leaving Sheldon standing alone in the doorway.

Sheldon invited himself in and shut the door, but did not sit down. It was too much of a hassle to find the appropriate spot. "Everything? Really?"

Penny glared at him. "Okay, not everything. But... I almost lost my job today. Some guy grabbed my ass and apparently I 'handled the situation very poorly'."

"How exactly is one supposed to handle that particular situation?" Sheldon asked with raised eyebrows.

"Well, I guess I'm not supposed to toss a drink in his face, which is what I did," Penny grumbled. "But yeah. I got in big trouble for it, and it made me realize how screwed I would be without this job. I can barely pay my bills as it is, and I can't land an acting job to save my life." She grabbed a pillow and wrapped her arms around it. "It makes me wonder what I'm even doing here. Whenever I call my parents and I talk to them about what's going on my life, they ask me when I'm coming home. Like they know I'm going to fail here... like it's just a matter of time."

"Well, it could be worse," Sheldon commented as he finally took a seat next to her. "When I call my mother, she tells me she's praying for my soul."

A smile tickled the corners of Penny's mouth. "That is pretty bad," she agreed. "Seriously, though, what if my parents are right? Maybe I should just pack up and go home. Maybe I was delusional, thinking I could make something of myself here."

"Possibly," Sheldon conceded. "But that you are here suggests some sort of intrinsic motivation. If Nebraska is anything like Texas, and I have good reason to believe that it is, it likely produces people that don't often have an interest in leaving. And yet, here you are. Much like myself, you found your surroundings to be insufficient and subsequently moved on."

"Yeah, but you left with a career in mind, and you're incredibly smart and successful. I'm not— I'm not either of those things." Penny let her head drop. "I didn't even finish community college."

Sheldon thought for a moment. "Have you ever considered going back to school? Preferably at a reputable university and not community college? When in doubt, it is always beneficial to continue educating oneself."

"I've never really thought about it," Penny said. "I dropped out because I couldn't see the point of it all. I wanted to be an actress, but I was stuck taking classes on Shakespeare and algebra." She chuckled. "In retrospect, I guess that was a dumb move. Shakespeare is probably what I needed to be studying. And math is important."

"Very important. It is through mathematics that one understands the world," Sheldon said.

Penny glowered at him. "You would say that." She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and considered. "Maybe I should go back to school. I could always get loans to help pay for it. The classes on drama and theater would probably be more useful than the crappy acting classes I've been paying for. And I have you guys to help me with my homework," she added, grinning.

"You have Leonard, Howard, and Raj to help you with your homework," Sheldon corrected. "I don't help with homework."

"Sure, whatever." Penny turned to face Sheldon on the couch. "Do you really think I would do ok in school? Or would I just crash and burn and end up back in the same place?"

Sheldon blinked. Was she asking him for his honest opinion? Nobody ever asked him for his opinion, usually because he never said the things they wanted to hear. However, she had asked, so he took a deep breath and mentally worded his reply before speaking. "I think that you have a tendency to be incredibly unfocused and that you suffer from low self-esteem regarding your general intelligence and academic abilities. These are things that would need to change for you to be successful in an academic environment." Penny opened her mouth to speak, but he held up a hand. "However, I don't doubt that you _can_ change these things. You may not be a genius, but you are clever, and you are ambitious. Within reason, you can likely do anything you want, if you give yourself the chance and go about it correctly. Educate yourself and then attempt to navigate the real world; you will be better off."

Penny stared at him. "Sheldon," she breathed, "That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me, I think."

"That is simply my opinion on the matter," he said, resisting the urge to squirm under her gaze.

"Thank you," Penny whispered, smiling. Then, without warning, she leaned across the couch and threw her arms around Sheldon. He stiffened; so much of her was touching him, and her hair was tickling the delicate skin under his ear. He could smell her body lotion, certainly something he had given to her as a Christmas present last year. The entire sensory experience was so cacophonous and jumbled that he barely remembered to hug back, pressing both hands clumsily to her back.

Before pulling away, Penny turned her head to give Sheldon a quick peck on the cheek, but a strange and uncontrollable twitch on Sheldon's part caused him to jerk his chin in the wrong direction at the last second. The result was that Penny's lips landed squarely on his, however briefly.

"Sorry," Sheldon squeaked. He expected her to back away, but she was still far too close, and she was staring at him. Her pupils were dilated, and he could see her pulse fluttering erratically against the walls of her carotid arteries. He had the sudden horrifying urge to touch her neck, to run his fingers against her smooth skin... he swallowed as his own pulse spiked.

The discordant hum of sensations collapsed into complete chaos when she kissed him again. Her lips were soft and dry, and her hands were running hesitantly down his chest. For the first time in his life, Sheldon felt himself completely shut down; he couldn't move, couldn't think, couldn't breathe. He was completely at the mercy of her lips and her touch; he was the swirling, desperate cadence of her song.

A jolt of pure terror eventually made its way through the haze, and Sheldon realized that his fear stemmed from the fact that he had absolutely no idea what to do. He always knew what to do; he was always the leading authority. He was always right. But in this, he had been so, so wrong, and that scared him more than the physiological response Penny was currently evoking.

After what seemed like decades, Penny pulled away and was mumbling apologies. Sheldon watched in fascination as color began to ruddy her cheeks. He found himself admiring the elaborate filigree of her irises as her pupils expanded and contracted.

"Sheldon?" She said. He snapped out of his trance at the sound of his name, and suddenly very much wanted to flee.

"I have to go," he uttered quickly as he hurried to the door.

* * *

"How'd it go?" Leonard asked when Sheldon stumbled back into his own apartment.

"Unexpected results," Sheldon said quietly before retreating to his room.

_FIN_


End file.
